Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
