Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
