Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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