wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
