my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
