There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
it's like iHOP with fire
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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