Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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