This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
