She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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