Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
