she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
