I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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