there was a trapeze. enough said
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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