Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
