Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
