I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
