Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
