my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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