hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
