State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
