Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
