I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
