I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
