you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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