If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
