There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
