He asked me if I "almost moaned"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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