Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
