Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
