I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
