We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
