There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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