Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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