His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
