Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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