she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
