This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
MIDGETS
????
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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