There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
