God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
