Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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