Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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