is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
