If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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