I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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