I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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