He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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