And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
They should really pass out barf bags in church
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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