My nipple is on Facebook.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
