Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You were trust falling into bushes
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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