Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
