Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
