I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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