I wish I could teleport
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
