I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
