saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
